Falling
by Esmeralda2134
Summary: Harvey needs Donna. Donna wants Harvey. But will Harvey finally fight for everything that is "in here"? Donna and Harvey come to terms with the consequences of 7.10. One-shot


He needs her. If there is one thing he is irrevocably, irrefutably certain about – it is this. The undeniable truth that Harvey Specter needs Donna Paulsen in his life. He had the panic attacks to show for it. But even as those passed, even when he came to accept back then that she had left him – he had still needed her, her unavailability to him a constant, hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach (and sometimes a hot, tight coil triggered by walking past Louis' office and seeing her on his desk).

He told her once "I can't be me without you" and he meant it. Not just professionally. For the longest time, she has been his sounding board, his anchor, his best friend – his family. Sure, Mike is his friend and partner in crime, he has Markus and even has tentatively reconciled with his mother. But it is different with her. He didn't have panic attacks when Mike went to prison. Mike is incredibly important to him, but he does not have the same hold on him that Donna does.

Mike is a part of his life, his orbit, but Donna is his life, ingrained into every moment of the last 13 years, reflected in every decision, in every step in his career and hell, why not admit it, his personal life (he knows no one but Donna could have made him go and make things right with his mother). She is his compass, and without her he is lost at sea, the waves of his own helpless emotions clashing over his head, pulling him under, making him feel like he is drowning, sinking to the bottom of the ocean where he will no longer have her at all.

He has no illusions about the way he is about to lose Donna. Because she kissed him, and damn it, the rage that is cursing through his chest at the thought is the only thing that is stopping him from going under from the avalanche of emotions she has unleashed, keeping him afloat for the moment.

"I just had to know", she said before she left him standing dumb-folded in her office. He has an inkling about what she needed to know and is even more terrified by what she might have concluded from their kiss.

And he is furious with her for it. Because she had that rule, that one rule that stopped him from going after her after _the other time_ when he was still reckless enough to try and she was the most intriguing woman he had ever met, but she had not been his life yet. When his father had still been alive and she had not been the pillar of his existence. He would have tried, then. She didn' t want him to, so he didn't.

And now, now when it will still ruin everything between them- after all these years she has decided she just had to know? She has brought it up before – she wanted more, but what is more? He asked her if she wanted everything once before – and she did not have the guts to say that she did. And he almost lost her anyways.

Leave it to her to wait until he is in the first stable relationship he has had in years to make her move, to do something they can't take back, to force him to act. And to put him in a position he never, never wanted to be in. Unfaithful. And unable to keep her without risking everything.

It is not that he does not understand the impulse, has not passionately detested every single man she has ever considered as a serious partner. It always bothers him, it makes only sense that it would bother her as well. They are the most important person in each other's life. That is the deal. And maybe that is the reason none of their relationships worked out – because no one competes with that. No one is allowed to threaten that. So he understands where she is coming from.

But where does it leave them? It leaves them at an abyss of pent-up tension and unresolved feeling of 13 years, and he can only see them fall. Fall apart.

* * *

She wants him. After 13 years of denial, she is done fighting it. She wants Harvey. She is in love with Harvey. She wants "everything", the question he once spat into her face finally answered. She could see the confusion, the fear, the dread in his face as she pulled away from him after she kissed him. He knows they crossed the line and they can't go back anymore and looked scared. She knows they crossed the line and they can't go back and all she feels is immense relief.

Because even though the thought of losing Harvey, of not having him in her life anymore scares the shit out of her as well, she now can finally break free of the spell he has had on her. She chose him, over and over again, over other boyfriends, over her family, over herself. She has always wanted more, she just was never ready to admit it to herself. Because before, she always knew that ultimately, even though they were seeing other people, she was the most important person in his life. That she was his family and she would never lose him. So she took it, her consolation prize, and mostly she has comfortably lived with it.

She has tried to break free of him once before, and hoped he would realize if he didn't have her at work, he would consider having all of her instead, but he hadn't and she had been ready to finally, finally accept that. But then Mike was going to prison and she knew she could not afford to put herself first anymore, that they needed to be a team to get him out of it and no matter what else was going on, Harvey and her were – are- the best team there is.

And slowly, she slipped back into all her old routines with him, choosing him over herself once again. Wanting him once again without admitting it.

Only the very real threat of losing the part of him she thought would always belong to her to Paula could have given her the courage to finally show her hand, put all of her cards on the table and end the god damn game she has been losing for the last 13 years. Louis pouring his heart out to her has made her realize that she could no longer put herself in this position. And Mike – him telling her to tell Harvey how she felt – Mike thought she was running out of time as well.

So she did, the only way she could think of – to have clarity. To cross the line in a way that would make it impossible for her to repaint have a security vest against her own worst instincts to go back to pretending. If he stayed with Paula, he couldn't be her friend after what she did.

If he didn't…she is too afraid to consider that, because while the idea of losing him scares her, the idea of actually having everything with him is god damn terrifying as well. Still, she had to try – before she will eventually start resenting him for every time that she chose him. She never wants to hate him.

* * *

It is past midnight when he knocks on her door. It has taken him a while to get here, but he knows if he does not do anything about this, if he lets this stand between them – then he will lose her and he can't. He just can't. So he has come prepared to fight. She always told him she was tired he was never fighting for anything "in here". For what he is fighting, he does not know yet. He only knows one thing – they will not be done after tonight. She will not leave him.

She opens the door, eyes tired and mascara slightly smudged and she is so much tinier without her high heels on. It is like she has taken her amour off. And so, defenceless, she wordlessly motions for him to come inside.

He sits down on her coach, staring at his shoes, unsure of how he can best salvage this. He just knows he has to try. After a few uncomfortable moments have passed, she finally breaks the silence.

"Harvey", she begins, and he involuntarily looks up, finding himself momentarily lost in her gaze. And in her eyes, he can see determination. Defiance. And suddenly he realizes that no matter how impulsive her decision to kiss him might have been, she will never agree to go back. Not again. Not anymore. So there is no point in keeping up the act any longer. Only to try and save whatever they can. "You came here, so I assume you have something to say to me".

"I came to ask you a question. You said you had to know. What did you have to know?", he demands, heart pounding in his chest. He is fucking terrified of every possible answer she could give him, and still so angry at her for putting him in this position, for breaking down their carefully constructed walls, despite understanding where she is coming from. She is making him lose her. And a part of him hates her for it, so it comes out harsher than he intended.

She visibly flinches at the sound of his voice, but looks at him unafraid. "You know", she answers with finality. "No, Donna, I don't know!", he is aggravated by her response "All I know is that you fucking kissed me, after 13 god damn years, and that you selfishly did so to figure something out for yourself, not caring that you knew what it would do to us. And now… NOW we can't go back, can we?", he raises his voice. "What, judging from the way you are acting, is exactly what you wanted. To put me in a position where I am going to lose you again", he raises his voice at the last part, his anger taking over.

"That is not fair, Harvey, and you know it.", she responds through gritted teeth. "You want to know why I kissed you. Because I was already losing you to Paula. And it made me realize that all these years, I chose you, I chose you over and over again for the flimsy unspoken promise that I would keep a part of you, never all of you. And I gave up so much for it. And now – now you are with Paula and Louis was talking about how his soulmate is marrying someone else and he should have done something about it and even Mike realized I was running out of time with you – so yes, I god damn kissed you because I needed you to realize that our entire relationship was running on borrowed time. And it was running out.", she finishes.

"Are you seriously blaming me for the way our relationship turned out? Let me remind you that is was you, Donna, that instituted the rule back then. I would have tried back then.", he says angrily.

"You weren't ready then and you know it.", she retorts.

"It does not matter, because I did what you wanted and it is not my god damn fault that 13 years later you suddenly change your mind about it. I asked you if you wanted everything. You never said it. Have you even changed your mind about it, Donna? Or is this just your way of pushing me away?", he asks, voice raised.

Her eyes are glittering and for a moment he is afraid he will make her cry, but Donna is tough and he knows she will never let him see her weak like this. Instead she squares her shoulders and finally confesses.

"Of course I changed my mind about it. Can't you see I can't do this anymore, Harvey? I love you. I am in love with you. And if you don't feel the same way I need to finally move on with my life. I can't keep choosing you." She finally breaks eye contact, dropping her gaze to her lap, fiddling with her fingers. She has confessed her biggest secret and now that it is out, there is nothing left to do but wait for the inevitable fallout.

"Donna", he pleads with her, moving over to her end of the coach. "You asked me once how I loved you. And I couldn't tell you. Do you want to know why? I never asked myself. It didn't matter to me because it wouldn't have changed anything. I just knew that I did."

"How could it not have mattered to you?", she meets his gaze, confused.

"Because after you closed the door on us all these years ago, you became so important to me – I just knew I could never lose you. And the women I date – I eventually lose all of them. Just look at me and Scottie. But I can live without Scottie. But I need you in my life, don't you get that? And now I don't know how I can keep you".

"Because you are not in love with me.", Donna whispers. "I'm sorry, Harvey, I should have never assumed…"

It astonishes him, that this woman, who knows him better than anyone, has missed the magnitude of his confession completely. How she did not hear that she is the most important person in his life. And he is starting to realize how much her feelings for him have clouded her judgement as well.

"No, because it never mattered if I was in love with you before today. Don't you get it, Donna? I never wanted to jeopardize what we had. I never could risk losing you because I would have ruined us if we had gotten together. But now – I am still god damn terrified of doing exactly that. But..",

he pauses, takes a deep breath. He feels the adrenaline rush through his veins, because he knows this is the abyss and he will tumble but he looks into her eyes and he knows he has no other choice, because he has hurt her long enough and maybe, finally, it is time to throw that hail-mary-pass and hope to god that they can make it work, because he may be incapable when it comes to recognize his feelings but now that is does matter, that the idea that as long he represses his feelings he will get to keep her is taken away, he knows deep down that he is and always has been in love with her. How could he not be? She is the most important person in his life. She is his family. She is everything to him. She is brilliant and kind and so beautiful and right now she is miserable because he's been a fucking coward for the better part of the last two decades and she deserves this, deserves to finally know the truth. And maybe he deserves it as well, this one chance to finally get it right. Be happy. Because he knows, she would have never lost him to any other woman. There is just no one who would measure up.

So he gently pulls her to him, leaning his forehead against hers, locking eyes with her once more. "I broke up with Paula before I came here because I am in love with you. I love you. I can't remember how it feels not to love you. I want you." She smiles then, a slow disbelieving smile sliding over her features, her eyes shining with doubt and hope. "Everything?", she asks. "Everything.", he repeats with conviction, because all of his doubts have always been about him and none ever about not wanting her, not loving her. And then he leans in and seals their lips together, kisses the doubt of her lips, pours 13 years of longing and desperation into the kiss until he knows she understands that he means it. That is was always his fear holding him back, but he was always certain about her.

They come together, crashing, falling, and he is lost again but it does not matter because he is lost in her and she will always, always find him.

"Good", she says as they finally, breathlessly, come up for air. "Because I can't be me without you either".


End file.
